Monday, April 09, 2007

thoughts and feelings

I lie here, sun streaming through the cracks of the blinds, the world going about it's business, people laughing, people celebrating Easter with their loved ones. Time passes slowly, I know I have been watching the clock tick through every minute for the last two hours, like a bug struggling to get free from treacle, I feel safe here, under the duvet, knowing I cannot get upset if I don't think about it, but I do think about it, I always used to think about Kal, first though when I woke and my last as I slipped into sleep. I was lying the other day, slipping off and could see the happy times, his face, I could feel his breath on me, I so long to feel that again, to know everything will be fine but it's not going to happen. I was jolted awake by my guardian angel, who knew there was more it wasn't the right time to sleep I needed to be awake, to be strong to be alive and get out there and face the world. I have to force myself to shower, to shave to put on that brave face because things will get better, people do care, but I care too, I care about hurting, I care about upsetting those who care for me, I care about getting on with life and having to go through the anguish of breaking the news of the break-up. I was asked last night by a lovely colleague if I 'felt better' as I had been off sick and I burst into tears and ran off to hide, I managed to tell her what was wrong, but I felt such a fool not being able to talk. Kal always said I needed to talk more about my feelings, I was a good listener, I still am, but I'm shit at letting go of my thoughts and feelings, maybe if I'd spoke more.......maybe

2 comments:

concernedfriend said...

I find crying helps.. however only in the short term... there is no way out of this one, however there is light at the end of the tunnel, although just now that light may be oh so distant that it does even appear pin head sized... but believe me honestly it is there...

Take time to think about yourself, kick, scream, bang, punch, throw, shout and scream... do watever comes to mind, but most of all do it so it suits you... your hurting bad.. yearning, screaming, demanding kal back into your life, blaming yourself, pondering wat you could have done to prevent him leaving, but when really you know in your heart of hearts, honestly, that there was nothing you could do.. life deals bad hands sometimes, and although they are hard to deal with, we have no choice but to....

You will never get over this, however you will get round it, which is a completely different thing.. you will in future be able to look back and realise the good things that happened whilst you were together, but also understand that all good things eventually must come to an end, whether that be through your choice or someone elses....

also remember there are people out there watching out for you.. your friends all feel for you, and although we dont understand exactly what you have been through, we all have experienced similar things in life, and are there if you want to cry on our shoulders, or even there if you want to scream at us!

Finally, this is taking for ever so i will finish now, remember others need you, so dont shut yourself away from life! xxxx

Thinking of you always xxx

scotsmedicman said...

thanks for your kind words, whomever you are. they make sense, but it still hurts!